26 days until graduation. That is, if I graduate. I'm failing my lab class right now because I don't have enough hours. I haven't made any progress on my thesis since September - it is due in two and a half weeks. My stress level is skyrocketing, which is only making me sicker. The past few weeks I have only been able to do one or two things per day before becoming so exhausted that I can't help but fall asleep, only to awake several hours later feeling just as exhausted as before. I took a leave of absence from work for a few weeks, but I don't know if that will be enough to help me get my life together before Dec 5.

I have slept an average of about 4 hours per night for the past month - sometimes more, often less. I don't know how I am being so productive or how I have so much energy...or how I'm not getting horribly sick. Its amazing!

I have a lot on my plate right now and my time is stretched pretty thin - and although I am obviously stressed out about a few things, I don't remember the last time I was this happy or had so many 'love life' kind of moments.

I went to Chico this weekend to visit my Italy friends. I havent seen most of them in almost a year, but it feels like absolutely no time has passed. I really need to make it a priority to see them more often - they somehow keep me grounded and light at the same time. I love people like that =)

It feels good to be Wonderwoman again - but not at the expense of my relationships with my family and friends. Theres a quote on my water bottle that has been staring me in the face all night: "That which matters most should never give way to that which matters least." A lot has changed for me in the past few weeks and the things that I was sure I could do then may not be things that I can do well now - at least not without sacrificing more than I am willing to. In the past few weeks, I spent an amazing weekend in San Francisco and Santa Cruz with my boyfriend, I shared some very memorable moments with my sisters, I have been strengthened by my co-workers, and I have made a point to spend real time with my family. I don't think that I am willing to give that up in order to finish my thesis. Its a matter of relationships vs accomplishments and deciding which is more important to me. My main drive behind finishing this thesis is simply the sake of following through on my commitment and finishing it. I feel like I have already come this far - I've been doing the Honors Program since Day One at UNR, I have already spent countless hours and many sleepless nights doing additional work for the Program, and it would be kind of ridiculous to drop out 70 days before graduation. But what about my commitments to the people in my life? When I get busy, my relationships are always the first thing to suffer and I do not want to repeat that cycle. Unfortunately, between being sick and random things getting in the way, I would now need to spend literally almost every waking moment (that is not already designated to work or school) working on my thesis. I feel like I have too many balls in the air and I'm struggling to juggle them all - I'm doing a lot of things, but I'm about to reach the point of not doing any of them well. Even though graduation is only two and a half months away, I'm not sure that this is how I want those two and a half months of my life to look like. Input?

Life has been good to me lately... getting excited about school and about work again, my sisters are amazing and have made the past few weeks nothing but fun, I have a pretty fabulous boyfriend, and I'm just content live in the moment and enjoy what I have while I have it. Good feelings =)

I didn't even make it through the first week of school without getting sick. Not cool.

Oh, it feels so good to read novels again! Even when I have to listen to them =) I'm already dreading the time I've set aside this weekend to dive into the stacks of books that have been sitting in my room for almost six months. I'm really wondering if I'm actually going to finish my thesis. Or even start it. Its almost the end of June and I have made zero progress. Strangely, that doesn't really bother me.

Things I am stoked on:
Swimming with some dolphins in Orlando on August 3rd.
Making sure that I do something that brings me joy on August 3rd.
Cleaning and organizing and decorating - basically just nurturing my little OCD quirks.
Creating a peaceful space in a place that used to bring nothing but pain.
Reclaiming what I thought was ours but is truly mine.
Fabulously cheap yoga class starting in a few weeks - hopefully it will get me back in the routine of early morning sun salutations.
My kitties have been cuddling with me for the past hour, making biscuits and purring and essentially just making me feel loved.


Things I am not stoked on:
I seem to have lost my work ethic. In the struggle to balance work and play, I keep tipping the scales in a very opposite manner than I once did.
Blinding migraines and an inability to keep food happily in my stomach.
A completely fucked sleeping schedule.
Feeling oh so achy and out of shape - I just wanna go backpacking, climb a mountain, do some yoga, and then maybe kayak a bit. Sadly, no where near being able to do any of that.
Despite everything, it is still so easy for me to fall to pieces over him.


Currently reading:
Nine Hills to Nambonkaha - Sarah Erdman
The Help - Kathyrn Stockett
A Thousand Splendid Suns - Khaled Hosseini

100 songs to save your life. suggestions?

che cazzo faccio con la mia vita? i have made nothing but bad decisions as of late, and the only thing that really bothers me about it is the fact that it doesn't bother me.

i thought that i was on my way to being ready for something real again - but, when it comes to dating, i still act like more of a 'guy' than most guys i've encountered. i wonder if i will ever heal.

my honors mini-term class started today - heres the workload: read 700 pages, write a 3 page reading response every night, teach the class for an hour, and write a ten page research paper. all in less than three weeks. this is actually less work than i was expecting, so i'm stoked. but, now that i am finally feeling better after a month of being sick.... i'm pretty sure that i'm going to get sick again after this because i'm also working full time and literally have 6am-10pm of every day booked until June 2. awesome.

got a fibromyalgia diagnosis by a third doctor yesterday. i've been really struggling with the knowledge that its something that will never go away - i will most likely be in physical pain every single day of my life and i will be constantly fatigued. there will be days that i can function as well as anyone else, but there will be days that i literally cannot get out of bed. the condition can be managed, but its not curable or really even treatable.
i look at the way this semester has gone and it makes me feel so incredibly pessimistic. this semester should have been cake - not just by my standards, but almost anyone's. instead, it has been the most difficult semester of my life simply because i do not feel well. i only have one more to go until graduation but right now im not all that confident that im going to make it.
as frustrated as i am that there are things that i want to do but may never be able to do, i'm trying to look at the bright side. because i have to pace myself and not overexert myself, i can never live the American-workaholic lifestyle - which goes completely against my nature, but its been a lot easier to let up on that mentality lately. i will always be in good shape because if i have any hope of feeling good at all, i have to exercise regularly, eat healthy and get sufficient amounts of sleep. i will likely spend more time with my friends and family than a lot of people tend to because i need a strong support system. i'll end up being a fucking zen master because i have to find ways to maintain a fairly low stress level and work through the daily aches and pains. ultimately, im hoping that it almost forces me to live the kind of life i want to live, rather than the kind of life i am naturally inclined to live. summertime full of doctors, nutritionists, therapists, yogis, and medications: here i come.

Stressing on this thesis has thoroughly fucked my sleeping schedule. I now just intermittently take little two hour naps - which is actually kind of nice, except that my eyeballs are on fire and I'm mildly delirious all the time. Eh.

Washington DC, Denver, California coast, and Orlando this summer... hopefully Austin too. I'm finding amazing last minute flight deals for Denver and Austin so it may actually all work out. DC is fully paid for already and I might be able to get my Orlando flight paid for too. Also found a roundtrip flight from San Francisco to Australia for less than $800 in December and I'm thinking thats the perfect graduation present to myself. Yay travel =)

Spent the last hour being completely unproductive and lurking all my Italy friends' photos on Facebook...really, really makes me want to go back. Preferably with all of them. Its so weird to think that a year ago I was in Cinque Terre, hiking through lemon groves, swimming in the ocean, and eating the most amazing pesto fusili. Its also weird to think about just how much my life has changed since then. And not really for the better. Shitty haha

this is a really whiney entry and i'm probably going to feel silly for posting it later but whatever.

i dont like it when people try to take care of me - i dont know if its the stubbornly independent side of me or what, but i feel like i should be able to take care of myself, no matter what. but right now...if someone hugged me just a little longer than usual, or rubbed my back, or played with my hair, i might cry out of gratitude. i am so tired of being tired and of being sick. im tired of not being able to live my life the way i want to. it has been six and a half years of this and its only been getting worse with time - the last eight months have felt like a very long, fast drop from a very high rollercoaster and i know i'm nearing the bottom. i can't do anything like i used to anymore. sometimes i'll get bursts of energy and then i get glimpses of how i used to be. i'm always so frustrated that it never lasts very long.

rough night. been on the verge of tears for hours but they just wont spill over. i have no idea why all this is springing up again right now. i just wish i could find some peace.

I went to your tree today. I used to sit by it all the time, but its been awhile since I've been there. I can't believe that time is creeping up on the three year mark. As I sat under the pink blossoms and admired the sun set, I thought about how well I have really been living up to the promises I made myself after you died.

Truly shitty week. But amazingly good night - despite flashes from a past that I'd rather forget and that usually mess me up for days, I managed to make it through and made it home feeling pretty damn good. Score one for me.

"I slide myself forward, through my head. I think halfway backwards. I see myself sing the anthem we wrote together. We had a dream, had everything...We rode to the end of the world. We rode, searching. Climbed skyscrapers - which later exploded. The peace was gone. The balance leaks out. I fall down. I slide myself forward, through my head. I always return to the same place. Total silence. No answer. But the best thing God created is a new day."


We listened to the music build and felt the raindrops fall in tune; we floated above the fairy chimneys and explored underground cities; we hiked the waterfalls and swam the oceans; we built promises and made a home. I had you, and you had me, and together we had everything. And now...I'm letting go. Moving forward. And away from you. My love, its the hardest thing I've ever had to do.

of course. now that i want to sleep, i'm wide awake. i have a thesis meeting in 3.5 hours and while i could be using this time to work on my prospectus, i am instead reading peace corp journals and wondering if i really can do 27 months of service, and if so, when i would do it. i seem to keep coming back to this over every other option i have. grad school is definitely out for the time being. studying abroad again seems unlikely, since the thought of sitting in any classroom any longer than i have to makes me want to scream. i like the idea of interning or volunteering abroad (or actually working abroad! haha yea right), but all the programs i've looked at cost a lot of money for a short amount of time. which is part of why the peace corp is so appealing - its long enough to make it really worth it and they pay me (not much, but still). there are only two things that are keeping me from filling out the application now: the fact that 27 months really is a long time, and the fact that i have got to get healthy here before i even think about living somewhere for two years that may not even have running water.

how is it that the harder i try to get better, the sicker i seem to get? i've slept 16 or more hours each of the past four days, my body has been in constant pain for over a week, i cant concentrate for shit, my hair is coming out by the handful in the shower, my legs are two giant unexplained bruises, and i lost five pounds in less than a week. what the fuck?